46. Nobody Is Thinking About You As Much As You Think They Are

Today, I break down why feeling watched and judged is so common, even when nobody is actually paying that much attention. The spotlight effect and the illusion of transparency become tools you can use to show up for your workouts, your goals and your life with less overthinking. 

• Defining the spotlight effect and why it feels so real 
• The Barry Manilow T-shirt study and what it proves about attention 
• Egocentric bias and why our own experience feels “bigger” 
• The illusion of transparency and why nerves look calmer than they feel 
• How fear of judgment blocks gym habits and keeps people from starting 
• Why social media amplifies self-consciousness and comparison 
• Simple reframes that reduce anxiety fast, including “Will anyone remember this next week?” 
• Practicing being seen and acting through discomfort to build real confidence 
• Using values as the final decision filter when you worry about what people think 
• Who tends to judge most and why their opinions are not the ones to fear 

If you enjoy the show, be sure to follow wherever you get your podcasts so you never miss a new episode. 
And if this episode resonated with you, I'd love if you shared it with someone who could use the reminder that no one really cares. Just do the thing. 

Transcript

Welcome And Why Judgment Feels Loud

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hello, hello, I'm Alita, and welcome to Vita with Alita, the podcast where we explore evidence-based health, fitness, and wellness without the fads or fear. My goal is to help you build sustainable habits, better understand your body, and make informed decisions that support your long-term well-being. If you enjoy the show, be sure to follow wherever you get your podcasts so you never miss a new episode. Now let's get into today's conversation. In today's episode, we're going to look at this idea. Let's start with the scenario. Have you ever stopped yourself from doing something because you were worried about what other people might think? Maybe you've walked into a gym and suddenly it felt like everyone was watching you. Maybe you've hesitated to wear shorts because you thought people were would notice your legs. Or rewriting text messages five times because you thought it sounded weird. Maybe you had an awkward interaction that you kept thinking and replaying in your head over and over again and you thought that the other person was doing the exact same thing. Now, if any of those sound familiar, you're definitely not alone. The funny thing is that the more people I talk to and the more things that I kind of just do, the more I realize we all think we're the only ones worrying about being judged. We assume that everyone else is confident and has everything figured out while we're the ones quietly overthinking every little thing. But psychology tells a very different story. Today we're going to talk about one of my favorite concepts in psychology because I genuinely think it has the power to change how you move through the world.

The Spotlight Effect Explained

SPEAKER_01 2:18

And it's called the spotlight effect. You've probably heard of this before. It's probably nothing new. Once you understand it, you might finally feel a little more comfortable, I don't know, wearing the outfit, asking the question, trying the new class, posting the photo, just simply existing without constantly wondering what everyone else thinks. Trust me, I've gone through this. You maybe don't realize it, but someone having some sort of I don't know, content that you're creating as a podcast host and putting it out there, this went through my mind over and over. Like, what is every single person gonna think? Honestly, no one has really said anything, and it just kind of proves the point. So let's get into it. So we all think that we're the main character in our own story, and our brains have this interesting habit where we are the main characters of our own lives, and that's because we are the ones experiencing every thought, every awkward moment, every mistake, insecurity. And because we experience ourselves 24 hours a day, it feels like everyone else obviously must be paying just as much attention to us, right? But they're not, they're living exactly the same experience from their perspective and for themselves. They are thinking about what they said, what they look like, if they sound intelligent, whether they embarrass themselves, and everyone is starring in their own movie. And you and I are just supporting characters in most people's movies, and vice versa, they are supporting characters in yours. That's not depressing, it's actually very freeing, and it's something that you should take and run with it. Now, psychologists Thomas Jelovich, Viktoria Medvec, and Kenny Savitsky coined the term the spotlight effect after a series of experiments in the late 1990s. One of the most famous studies is actually pretty funny. Participants arrived at the lab and without much warning, they were asked to put on a bright yellow t-shirt featuring Barry Menlo. Now, depending on your age, Barry Menlo might not sound embarrassing, you might not even know who that is, but at the time that this research was conducted, the researchers deliberately chose a t-shirt that they thought college students would find awkward to wear. So the participants then walked into a room full of other students. And so they walked into this room wearing the t-shirt, and afterwards, the researchers asked them, how many people do you think noticed your shirt? And on average, participants guessed that roughly about half the room had noticed. When in reality, only about a quarter of the people actually remembered it. So this means that the participants dramatically overestimated how much attention other people were paying to them. And researchers have repeated similar experiments over the years with different situations and found the same basic pattern. We consistently think people notice us far more than they actually do.

Why We Overestimate Attention

SPEAKER_01 5:23

There is a caveat here or something that came to mind when I was reading this that I kind of wanted to talk about. Let's say you think of how many times you've, I don't know, changed your hair or did something that mattered a lot to you. Got a brand new shirt, new outfit, did your nails, whatever it is, new pair of glasses, even. This has happened to me a lot, and nobody noticed. Like literally no one said anything, and you were just kind of disappointed. Like, oh, like how did no one notice? Like, this is such a big change. Maybe it's a big change to you, but the thing is, everyone is so caught up in their own story they don't realize it. Now, the other end of this is you might have people who actually notice everything. And I'm not here to tell you that nobody ever notices anything that you ever do, but I'm here to just tell you to not let that get in the way because we people don't think about us as much as we think they do. So why does this kind of spotlight effect happen? Our brains are incredibly self-focused, not out of selfishness or anything, but just because this is the only perspective that we have, unless you go and deliberately have a convers deliberately, deliberately, I'm trying not to mumble my words here, deliberately have a conversation with somebody else and gain their perspective on a situation, the only voice in your head is yours. And this is sort of where this word, ego-centric bias, comes in. We have complete access to our own thoughts, our own emotions, and our own physical sensations. And we don't have the same for everyone else. You never really know what somebody is truly thinking. There might be serendipitous moments where you say something that somebody else was thinking, you probably are on the same wavelength, but it's not like you truly know exactly what they're thinking or feeling in that moment. So our experiences then just naturally feel much bigger, more important and more obvious. Our brain forgets that other people are just as consumed with their own internal worlds as we are. Think about the last, I don't know, big event or let's say wedding that you attended. You were probably probably remember exactly what you were wearing, everything about your outfit, how good you looked, whether you your speech went well, if you had one, if you danced too much, if your hair looked okay. Now ask yourself, what was everyone else wearing? Can you remember? Probably not, unless it was, I don't know, like a very specific wedding. It was somebody close to you, the bridesmaid, uh, whatever it was. But in reality, you don't really remember unless you're actively recalling it, maybe. If you sit there and you're like, okay, that wedding that we went to, that exact event, what is happening? You might remember it then, but on a day-to-day basis, it's not really occupying much of your brain capacity, to be honest. And this is because your experience, your own experience, and what you're doing every day is taking up most of your mental bandwidth. And that's exactly what's happening for everybody else, too.

Illusion Of Transparency In Real Life

SPEAKER_01 8:34

Now, the spotlight effect has we'll call it a close cousin, a close cousin called the illusion of transparency. And this is the belief that our emotions are much more obvious than they actually are. So you think everyone can tell when you're nervous before giving a presentation. They probably can't. There might be signs, okay, your voice sometimes cracks a little bit. You might be a little bit shaky, but it's not as dramatic as you think it is. Like, oh my god, everyone knows that my heart is racing and I'm gonna I'm so nervous. It's never as obvious as you might think it is. Or, for example, when you think everyone can tell that you're anxious walking into the gym. I promise you, people are probably too busy worrying about themselves to even notice. There might be signs, yes, I'm not trying to completely dismiss that, but it's it's no one's thinking about it. Like, okay, nervous, whatever. No one's no one's it doesn't it doesn't impact anybody else's lives as much as you think it does. Now, one study by Jilovich and colleagues had participants give speeches while researchers measured how nervous they felt compared to how nervous the observers thought that they looked. So the speakers consistently believed that their anxiety was so obvious. Whereas the observers rated them as much calmer than they actually imagined. And we've all experienced this. Like I mentioned, when your heart's racing, your palms are sweaty, you feel like everybody must know. Somehow everybody can see the heart coming out of your chest. Meanwhile, the people around you probably have no idea.

How Fear Of Judgment Blocks Fitness

SPEAKER_01 10:16

And this is where I think it becomes more than just an interesting psychology lesson, because fear of judgment quietly can shape our health behaviors. How many people avoid the gym because they're worried someone will watch them? I'm literally one of these people I mentioned an episode a long time ago about how the first like day or two of my trying to follow my new year's resolution, I didn't go because I was too nervous of what everyone might think. And I didn't want to get the code for the change room from the front desk staff because who knows if what they would think of me. Look at this newbie at the gym. I literally sat at the bench outside waiting for somebody to come out. Nobody ended up coming, so I just left. And that's how I started the first like two days of my New Year's resolution, just like too scared to of what people might think about me. Or I don't know, how many people won't try a group fitness class because they think everyone else knows exactly what they're doing and they're gonna look stupid? How many people skip the weight room because they feel intimidated about how much weight they lift, about what they look like, about their form, or avoid running outside because they think passing cars are judging them. The truth, honestly, is most people are not paying as much attention to you as you think. They're experien- the experienced lifter is not really counting your reps, people are thinking about their own workouts, the runner passing you probably isn't judging your pace, they probably don't care. They're just trying to survive their own run. The yoga instructor has 30 other people they're looking at. They're not looking at you. They're happy that you showed up, and sometimes we imagine an audience that simply doesn't exist. And this is something where I invite you to not take yourself as seriously. And this is something I've started implementing, and I think really helps. And what I mean by this is if you look stupid in your own eyes, laugh about it. Like, just why are we taking ourselves so seriously as if nobody in the world makes a mistake? For example, the other day, I literally walked into a machine, like not into a machine, like the cable machine had like an attachment hanging from it, and I walked into it and like banged my head, and I just like laughed at myself and shook my head, and that's it. Maybe some other guy laughed with me across the room and we like looked at each other and I shrugged, but it's just like then we both moved on, and I didn't think about that moment until uh right now it came to my head because I'm kind of priming myself, but I don't think that guy went home and started laughing about it, or I don't think it changed his life in any way. We need to stop taking yourself so seriously and thinking that every decision or action that we do is the end of the world. Who cares? I know people want to show up in a certain way and make sure that they are showing up in the best way possible and all those things, but it becomes a problem when it's hindering you from doing something that inherently would be good for you. Anything that gets you out of your comfort zone is good for you, I think. Putting yourself in a situation where you are uncomfortable and then eventually getting comfortable is so good for you. Like I 100% agree. Go for it.

Social Media And The Survival Brain

SPEAKER_01 13:34

Now, of course, this conversation I think cannot happen without discussing social media, and I think social media has amplified like this tendency to think that everybody cares about what we're thinking or doing. We're constantly observing carefully curated moments from other people's lives, and it creates the impression that everyone is watching everyone else. Every decision is open for public evaluation, and most people, you know, if you really think about it, most people will scroll for seconds before actually moving on. No one's analyzing your vacation photos, no one's dissecting your workout, everyone's thinking about their own life. And ironically, while we're worrying about being judged online, everyone else is doing the exact same thing and we're just wasting so much mental energy thinking what everybody's thinking. There's actually a reason our brains care so much about what other people think, and for most human history, belonging to a group actually increased our chance of survival. And being excluded from your community, it wasn't just emotionally painful, it could genuinely be dangerous. Like if you're not near your tribe and a bear or a lion or I don't know what came to attack you, you had no one around to protect you. So you were trying to do everything you can to make sure that everyone thought good of you to keep you in the tribe, right? So our brains evolved to play to pay close attention to social acceptance, and that tendency still exists today. The problem is that our ancient brains are responding to situations that don't actually threaten our survival in any single way. Someone seeing you struggle through your first spin class is not really life or death. No one's no one's gonna think about it when they go home, but your brain just hasn't caught up to that, and that's where being aware of that is very helpful, and training yourself to move away from that mindset can be very helpful.

Practical Ways To Care Less

SPEAKER_01 15:29

So, what can we do? One question I like asking myself is this will anyone remember this next week? Usually the answer is no. Sometimes it's no by tomorrow, and there you go. Another strategy is intentionally shifting your attention outwards. So instead of asking, what are they thinking about me? Ask, I wonder what they're thinking about. Chances are they're worrying about themselves, and if it is about you, honestly be flattered. Oh you I'm taking up your brain space. Awesome. Great. And then finally, practice being seen. You don't always have to blend into the background. Wear the tank top, ask the question, go to the gym, ask for help on how to use the machine. Take the beginner class. The goal isn't to stop feeling self-conscious, it's to stop letting self-consciousness make your decisions. Confidence never comes in the absence of discomfort. If anything, it's built when you've placed yourself in so many situations that you've been uncomfortable in and you got through that you're like, yeah, I'll be fine, I can do this. It's choosing to act anyway, even when those nerves or those thoughts might come up. I'm telling you, the biggest example for me is this podcast and posting episodes every single week. Who knows who's seeing what? And honestly, the funny thing is, I am most I was most self-conscious about what the people who actually know me might think. Not even the random people online, just the people who actually know me. And yeah, listen, there may be comments being made. There actually may be people watching what you're doing, but at the end of the day, I'm the one posting the podcast that I'm hell happy about. I'm the one spending my time in a way that matters to me. After the potential comment or the whatever is being made, nobody's thinking about me or the podcast or anything. And here's a very specific story.

My Podcast Family Dinner Reality Check

SPEAKER_01 17:43

I remember when the podcast first came out, and then I tried to open an Instagram page for the podcast. I opened an Instagram page, and for some reason Instagram knew who my family members exactly were. Not like my close cousin and like my mom. No, like the random relatives that I was kind of hoping would not find out about the podcast. I was embarrassed or shy, I guess you can say. And they all happened to follow me and follow the page. And I was like, oh my god, why, why? I'm just exposing myself. Like, why did I open this? Like, screw this. And then a few days or a week later, we had a there was like a family gathering event where all of these cousins that were following me were gonna be there. And I was like, oh my god, I do not want to talk about my podcast at the dinner table. Like, that's not happening. Guess what? We got there, and then my heart was racing, I was nervous. I I was just like, I was still feeling very self-conscious about making episodes and opening this Instagram account, and like, oh my god, who do I think I am? We were at the dinner table and not a single person brought up the podcast. Not one, nobody cared. And it might be sad, like, oh, people are not thinking like we're you know, making a comment about the work that you're doing, but I'm bringing up this story not as like a oh ew, no one thought about me, as like a literally like nobody cared, and my heart was racing thinking, oh my god, everyone, I'm gonna be the talk of the town, but literally nobody cared.

Values First Let Them Talk

SPEAKER_01 19:23

No one now caveat here is I know sometimes even within family dynamics and stuff, sometimes you are the talk of the town, and you are you're there is a spotlight being shed on you because I don't know, you did something that is against your family's views or I don't know what but this is where I urge you to really sit with yourself and say, okay, am I doing something that's aligned with my values that's benefiting me? Is anyone being harmed in the process? Am I okay with this? Me? Why am I doing this? Am I doing this for the wrong reasons? Because if you are, that's also not a reason to do it. But are you doing it because it makes you happy? Because it's helping you get further in your career, because it's helping you become a healthier version of yourself. What's the reason that you're doing the thing that you're so worried about? If the answer aligns with your values and it's putting you in a place where you are happier, healthier, whatever, better than you are today, then who cares? Let them talk. It's okay. The fact that they're talking means they have nothing else interesting happening in their lives anyway, and you just happen to be the most interesting thing. That's all my little two cents. So if there's one thing I hope you take away from today's episode, it's this. People are thinking about you far less than you imagine, and that's actually wonderful news because it means you're free. Free to learn, free to look inexperienced, free to make mistakes, free to change your mind, free to become whoever you want, somebody new. And the people who truly matter won't remember whether you stumbled over your words, wore the wrong outfit, or lifted the lightest dumbbells in the gym. They'll remember how you made them feel. So if you've been waiting until you completely feel confident before trying something, maybe, maybe don't wait. Everyone else is way too busy living their own story, their own lives in their own head, spending way too much time on themselves to actually analyze you. And honestly, that's probably one of the most liberating realizations that you can have. Another thing I'd like you to remember is the experienced runner, lifter, whoever you kind of look up to. For me, let's say an experienced podcaster, at the end of the day, truly, if you think about it, they're not going to be the ones judging you or criticizing you because they've been there and they know exactly what it took for you to even just start. If anything, they are going to be the people that will mentor you, and they are going to be some of the kindest people you meet and the people that you should ask for, you should ask advice from if you have access to them because they know exactly how you feel and where you're going. At the end of the day, the people who are most likely to judge you and criticize you are the ones that have no experience, so have no idea what it took for you to even start, or are the people who could be jealous, are the people who have nothing else interesting going on in their lives, or the people who feel like they have to put you down in order to feel better about themselves. So why do we care about what they think anyway? Alright. I've mumbled and rambled for a little while now.

Final Takeaways And Share Request

SPEAKER_01 22:57

Thank you so much for listening to another episode. And if this episode resonated with you, I'd love if you shared it with someone who could use the reminder that no one really cares. Just do the thing. Until next time, take care of yourself and remember that wellness is not about perfection. It's about building a life that feels good to live for you. And sometimes that means doing things even if you feel a little bit self-conscious about it. Alright. See you on the next one. Bye bye.